INFO | Mysite

I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety at age 15.

At 16 years old, I was going to commit suicide.

I was hospitalized twice within a two month period. I had to fight my

way back out of the hole I dug, and I did! But only for a short time. In college, I

began spiraling down, fast. By my junior year, I was ready to die again.

But I knew the signs, and on October 2nd, 2019, I voluntarily admitted myself

back into a mental health facility. Now, I feel more motivated than ever to keep

fighting. I remember what I am fighting for again. I realized that there is still a

future for me. That there are memories to be made, and happiness to be felt. I

realized that I can’t die, not yet. I’m determined to stay alive again, so what better

way to hold myself accountable than making a film tracking my progress?

I Can’t Die, Not Yet is a reflexive documentary that explores my history of depression

to the present, describing my time in the hospital, and then filming myself for a

week following specific goals and routines, with a final reflection about how

I feel afterwards. Depression was destroying me, and I was letting it happen. I examine

my past and show how I got to my breaking point once again. Though I was suicidal,

I did not want to die. I knew I needed serious help, and I admitted myself into the

hospital. Through conversations with my family, animation, and props, I plan to

go into greater detail about what depression looks like, what the facility was like,

and what this illness looks like for others. I commit to a schedule of healthy routines

and rules, and film myself completing these tasks.

This film has been a form of therapy for me, and I want to send a message that

anyone struggling with mental illness should not be ashamed to discuss what they are dealing with.